Indelible Read online

I really looked forward to those quiet moments.

  After kissing Karrie goodbye, I walked the few short blocks to the coffee house. When I opened the door I scanned the room, but Judd wasn’t there yet. I walked up to the counter and ordered my usual, then grabbed a table in the back and began to study.

  I tried to concentrate, but found myself checking the door every time it opened. I pushed my hair back behind my ears and looked down, trying to focus on the text before me.

  I heard the sound of a motorcycle and looked out the window. It started to slow down in front of the shop and I realized it was Judd. His head was covered with a helmet, but there was no mistaking those arms – flexed, toned, and covered with tattoos.

  My body started to hum at the sight of him swinging his leg over the bike. He paused to take off the helmet, and his hair tumbled out. I watched as he pulled it back into a ponytail and put the helmet down. He started to walk toward the door and I glanced down quickly.

  I wanted it to look like I didn’t care whether he came by or not.

  I heard the door open and willed myself not to look up. I heard his footsteps as his boots hit the ground, and it felt like every nerve ending in my body was standing at attention.

  After seeming to take forever to cross the room, Judd stopped in front of my table. I let him pull out the chair, scraping the legs against the floor, and sit down before I looked up from my textbook.

  He looked a little distracted, maybe even sad, until his eyes met mine. I noticed for the first time that they were green. A glittering deep green that met my gaze and caused me to shudder.

  His gaze was so intense that I lost my breath, but then he blinked and smiled, the intensity was gone.

  “Hey, Sam, it’s good to see you again.”

  It was a smile that beckoned me to smile back, so I did.

  “Hi,” I said simply, tucking my hair behind my ear and nodding. “It’s good to see you too.”

  Judd’s grin spread and he leaned back in his chair a bit, looking down at my books before back up at me.

  “Whatcha reading?”

  “Hmmm?” I hummed absently. “Oh, just studying a bit before my class.”

  He leaned in until he was inches away from me. He tapped his finger on the book in front of me and said seriously, “You might learn more if you turn it around.”

  “Huh?” I asked cluelessly. I could feel my face heat up when I looked down and realized that my book was upside down.

  I looked up at him sheepishly, prepared to be mortified, but was surprised when a giggle escaped my lips. Before I knew it, we were both laughing as I made a show of turning my book around.

  When he’d stopped laughing he held his stomach and said, “God that felt good. Thanks, Sam. I really needed a good laugh.”

  “I’m happy to help,” I said with a chuckle.

  “So…” He leaned in again and looked me in the eyes. My breath caught again as he brought his hand up to my face and tucked the hair behind my ear. “Did you make a decision about Friday night?”

  “It depends,” I said softly. “Where are you planning on taking me?”

  “I was thinking the old-fashioned dinner and a movie date. Unless there’s something else you’d rather do.”

  “No, that sounds great,” I responded. I hadn’t seen a movie that wasn’t a cartoon in forever.

  “What restaurant?”

  Judd grinned at that. “You like to have it all planned out, don’t you?”

  “I don’t have a problem with spontaneity. I just need to know where to meet you and when,” I said while looking him in the eye. I wasn’t sure how he was going to react to that, but there was no way I was having him come out to the burbs to pick me up.

  He looked surprised for a moment before he brushed it off with a nod.

  “Okay, I can appreciate that. I was thinking the Mexican place right off campus. That is, if you like Mexican.” I nodded and he grinned at me. “How’s six o’clock sound?”

  “Perfect.”

  “Great, I’ll meet you there,” Judd said as he stood up. “See ya, Sam.”

  I nodded, appreciating his muscular back and the way his ass looked in his jeans as he walked out of the coffee shop and jumped on his bike.

  Once the bike came to life and he took off down the street, I finally remembered to breathe.

  I was rubbing the side of my neck as I walked across campus, not paying attention to where I was going, so I was startled when I heard a voice say, “Hey.”

  I looked up and smiled at James.

  “Hey, yourself. I see you decided to go purple,” I said, gesturing to her hair.

  “Yup,” she responded as she ran her hand through it.

  “It looks cool.”

  “Thanks.”

  “So, what are you up to?” I asked her.

  James shrugged and bit the ring in her lip. “Not much, just heading to class. What about you?”

  “Practice,” I responded.

  “Cool,” James said and started to walk away.

  “Hey,” I said, causing her to turn. “I’m going out with your girl tomorrow night.”

  “Sam?” she asked, one eyebrow raised.

  “Yup.”

  “Don’t be a dick,” she said simply as she turned and walked away, leaving me chuckling behind her.

  I realized I was rubbing my neck again as I walked into the locker room, and took a turn toward the Athletic Trainer’s office.

  I poked my head in the door and said, “Hey, Ron? I think I pulled something when Tuck and I were working out. You think you could check it out real quick?”

  “Sure thing, Judd. Have a seat.”

  Ron had been with the team for the past twenty years. He was almost more beloved than the mascot.

  I sat down and bit back a moan as he rubbed the kink in my neck.

  “Did you do anything different during your workout?” Ron asked as his strong hands worked their magic.

  “Don’t think so,” I murmured.

  After a few short minutes, Tuck popped in and said, “Hey, brother, we gotta get to the field.”

  I never wanted to punch the golden boy as much as I do at this moment, I thought with a grin.

  “Alright,” I said. “Thanks, Ron.”

  I stood up and moved my head from side to side, rotating my neck to see how it felt.

  “Much better.”

  “That’s what I’m here for,” Ron said with a slap on my back.

  I joined Tuck in the locker room and we headed out to the ball field.

  “Got any hot plans this weekend?” Tuck asked.

  “I’m going out tomorrow night.”

  “Is there a party or something I don’t know about?”

  “I don’t think so,” I said with a shrug. “I’m grabbing dinner and a movie with a girl I met.”

  Tuck stopped dead in his tracks.

  “You’re goin’ on a date?” he asked.

  “What of it?” I asked, feeling the need to deck him come over me again.

  Tuck grinned and shook his head.

  “I don’t think you’ve been on one actual date since I’ve known you, that’s what.”

  “It’s no big deal,” I said, trying to brush off his words. But now that he’d said it, I had to admit that my college years hadn’t included a lot of dates.

  Hook-ups, yes. Dates, not so much.

  Huh.

  “Who’s the girl?” Tuck asked, coming back up beside me.

  “I met her the other night,” I said, hoping he didn’t remember who I was talking about.

  “The one you couldn’t close with?”

  No such luck.

  “Dude, quit being an ass,” I said as I put on my first base glove. “Let’s warm up.”

  “I hope you have better luck tomorrow night,” Tuck said with a shitty grin as he jogged to third.

  I tried to just let his words roll off me. We always messed around with each other, the whole team did. I didn’t know why his words wer
e having this effect on me now.

  I felt twinges of anger and wanted to lash out, which made me wonder - was I more serious about Sam than the others? There was something about her… She tried to come across as no-nonsense chick, but then her vulnerability would show through, and I found I really liked the contradiction.

  When a ball narrowly missed hitting me in the face, I realized that this was something I would have to think about later. I needed to get my head in the game before I ended up with a black eye or something worse.

  We warmed up and then spent the rest of practice taking turns batting and fielding the ball. Our pitcher this year had a killer arm, and it looked like we were lined up to kill it this season.

  After practice I went back to the locker room to grab a shower.

  “Who’s up for a drink?” Tuck yelled from his steam-filled section of the shower.

  A chorus of affirmatives was yelled throughout the shower, some even filtering in from the guys getting dressed out front.

  A drink with the guys sounded great, so I added my agreement to the rest.

  I rubbed the towel over myself quickly and got dressed. A group of us walked out to the lot, telling the others we’d meet them at the bar.

  I hopped on my bike and headed out, reveling in the feel of the bike on the open road.

  Baseball, a quick ride, and drinks with friends…who could ask for anything better?

  I was walking through the grocery store with Karrie, trying to pick up some quick items for her and Thomas, when all hell broke loose.

  I had most of the items I needed in the cart when we passed the aisle in the grocery store that had the small crappy toys.

  When I realized we were passing it, I prayed that Karrie wouldn’t notice. I tried to push the cart a little faster, but it was no use.

  “Mommy, want,” Karrie pleaded in her little voice when she noticed the stupid toys.

  I mean, seriously, what kind of sadist puts toys in the grocery store? Probably the same genius who puts the candy by the check-out counter. Don’t they realize that I don’t have extra money to drop on a poorly made toy that will break before we even get it home?

  I sped up even more, bypassing the dreaded aisle, turning instead by the diapers and formula. You know…the takers of all my money.

  “Not today, Karebear. Mommy will get you some cheese puffs,” I said, trying to bribe her with food.

  “NO!” Karrie yelled. It was her favorite word these days.

  I could see by the way she was pinching her face together that she was about to share her displeasure with everyone in the store.

  Then it started…

  “I WAN A TOY!” Karrie screamed as loud as she could, banging her hands on the cart as if her screams didn’t attract enough attention.

  “Karrie, please calm down,” I whispered, hoping to diffuse the situation before the clerks called Child Protective Services on me.

  She wasn’t having it.

  Karrie started screaming unintelligible words, and added kicking her feet to her tantrum.

  I wheeled her toward the front, forgetting the other items I needed to get. My only goal was to check out and get the hell out of the store before I lost my patience.

  As we waited in line to pay for our items, Karrie became aware of the people around us and started to scream louder. I wasn’t sure if it was because she wanted the added attention, or if she was crying because they were looking at her.

  I felt the heated stares of the strangers around me. That, coupled with my angry daughter’s screams, was going to drive me out of my mind.

  I grabbed Karrie and headed for the door, leaving the cart with our groceries in the middle of the line. In the back of my mind I knew it was rude to just leave the cart there, but my need to get out of there was much greater than any sense of propriety that had been instilled in me by my parents.

  Getting buckled into the car seat didn’t improve Karrie’s mood.

  Molly had let me borrow her car, and I was supposed to drop the car off along with the groceries once I was done.

  Karrie screamed all the way to our house. It was that hoarse, tired scream that only toddlers could accomplish.

  I looked in the rearview mirror and could see the fat tears rolling down her face. I didn’t know whether to tear my hair out or to cry myself.

  The short drive home felt like hours, but when we finally arrived I took Karrie out of her seat and carried her into the house. She kicked and screamed the whole way up the path, and I found myself checking for the prying eyes of neighbors.

  Once we were safely inside, I took her to her room and laid her on the bed. She stayed face down, her pudgy arms and legs flailing as her tantrum built.

  I walked out of the room, shutting the door as I left and muting the sounds of her full-blown fit.

  I walked into my bedroom and shut the door, leaning against it as I looked at my reflection in the mirror hanging on the wall.

  Was that really what I looked like?

  Eyes puffy, hair a mess, and clothes that had been in style ten years ago.

  And what about my weight?

  When the fuck had I gained so much weight?

  I could see the fat roll hanging over the waistline of my jeans.

  Had I really just gone out in public looking like this?

  I walked toward my meager closet as ugly detrimental thoughts began filling my head.

  I began to pull items out of my closet, vaguely aware that the sounds from the room next door were starting to get quieter.

  None of this stuff fit me right anymore. What was I going to wear on my date tomorrow that wouldn’t showcase the extra pounds I’d carried since the birth of my daughter?

  How was Judd ever going to find me remotely attractive?

  I tore off my clothes and began trying on the items I’d strewn all over my bed, finding fault with everything I put on.

  I was in the middle of pulling a too-tight dress over my head when my phone buzzed, indicating a text.

  “WTF? You’re going out with Judd, seriously?”

  The text was from James, but I was not in the mood.

  “Karrie’s having a tantrum, and I’m too fat to date, so it probably won’t happen.”

  I finally got the dress all the way off and stood in the middle of the room in my bra and underwear, looking at the mess I’d created.

  “You’re a hot piece and Karrie will be fine. Go out and have fun!”

  I grimaced at her text, not ready to be pulled out of my funk.

  “I don’t have anything to wear. Leave me alone. Not in the mood now, talk to you later.”

  I laid down in the middle of my bed on top of the clothes and realized that I still had Molly’s car.

  “Shit,” I muttered, reaching for the phone I’d just thrown on the bed.

  “Sorry, Moll, Karrie threw a fit in store. No groceries. Car’s at my house.”

  Certain that Molly would understand and come get her car, I laid back in the clothes and covered myself up with some random pieces.

  I let the tears flow and purge the stress of the day from me as I drifted off to sleep.

  I let the hot water roll over me as steam filled my small shower. We’d been practicing hard this week. That, coupled with workouts every morning, had taken a toll on my body.

  I had to admit, our new coach was getting more out of us than any coach I’d had to date. It really looked like we were going to have a kick-ass season.

  The coach had strict policies though.

  I ran my hands through my hair as I rinsed out the shampoo.

  One of his rules was that his players had to be clean cut during the season. This meant if I wanted to play I’d have to cut my hair off before opening day.

  At first I was pretty pissed. I’m honest enough with myself to realize I’m a little vain where my hair’s concerned.

  After thinking on it for a while, I realized that it wasn’t that big of a deal. It was only hair and would grow back eventua
lly.

  Still, it was gonna be weird to get it all cut off tomorrow.

  I stepped out of the shower and toweled off, reaching to open the small window in order to air out the room before grabbing my body powder and applying it to all the hot spots.

  Once done, I grabbed my boxer briefs and put them on.

  I leaned in to check my face for any weird growths or stray hairs before grabbing my deodorant and putting it on. The jeans came next, followed by a button up.

  I checked myself out in the mirror and deemed myself doable before grabbing the dryer and starting on my hair.

  I guess one good thing about cutting it off would be less time getting ready, but since it was my last night with it I wanted it to look good.

  When I was finished grooming to my standards, I picked up my favorite cologne and sprayed the spicy scent on my shirt.

  I grabbed my jacket, checking the time as I put it on, and headed for the door. I wanted to get there a little early, so I could be at the restaurant when Sam arrived.

  My bike roared into the parking lot and I was happy to see that it looked like I beat her there.

  I hurried into the restaurant and put my name on the list, asking the hostess to snag us a semi-secluded table before heading back outside to wait for Sam.

  I surveyed the parking lot, watching as people parked and exited their vehicles. I heard a honking and happened to turn to where the noise was coming from, and that’s when I saw Sam walking up the street.

  I couldn’t believe she would rather walk than have me pick her up. There was definitely something going on that she didn’t want me to know.

  I briefly wondered what it was, but got distracted as she walked closer and the street lights shined down on her, showcasing her face and highlighting her hair.

  Something about this girl pulled at me like no one else ever had.

  I became mesmerized by the sway of her hips and the way her skirt shifted with every movement. I felt my mouth go dry and my body respond as she got close enough for me to see the smile on her face.

  “Hey,” she said.

  “Hi,” I responded. I made a point of looking at her, and then back up the street. “Nice night for a walk?”

  She just smiled and nodded slightly.

  I couldn’t help but smile back.